The Tale of the Bread Penis

For Christmas this year I bought myself a beautiful, apple green, Kitchenaid stand mixer. Not only did I get an amazing deal on it, but it's my favorite color! So my goal is to use it as much as possible, buy some attachments for it & become a master of Lola (she's a feisty temptress). I'm starting a new weekly post in my blog entitled "Let's cook while listening to music that annoys our children" My first go at this didn't turn out as planned but it had a hilarious outcome.

The menu plan was to make homemade, veggie lasagna & french bread while listening to Journey's greatest hits. Jordyn was not pleased with my music selection and even less pleased with my singing abilities. The recipe for the bread is as follows.

Adapted from Katie Kinser's French Bread

1 1/2 Tbsp. or 2 packets (1/4 oz./7 g each) dry active yeast
1/2 cup warm water
1/2 tsp. granulated sugar
2 cups hot water
3 Tbsp. granulated sugar
1 Tbsp. salt
1/2 cup oil
5 – 6 cups all-purpose flour

1. Dissolve yeast, warm water, and 1/2 teaspoon granulated sugar in a small bowl.

2. In a large bowl or stand mixer, combine hot water, 3 tablespoons granulated sugar, salt, and oil. Add 3 cups of flour to the mixture in the large bowl/mixer and mix well. Stir in yeast mixture.

3. Add 2 – 3 cups more flour and mix until well blended. (At this point your dough will still be quite sticky). Leave in bowl and let rise for 1 hour, mixing a few strokes a couple of times during the hour.

4. Divide dough into 2 (or 3 if you want smaller loaves) pieces. Roll out each piece on a floured surface into the length desired then roll up length wise like a jelly roll.

5. Put on a greased cookie sheet, sealed side down, and tuck the ends under. Slash the top diagonally across the top every couple of inches with a sharp knife. Brush with egg white. Preheat oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit. Let loaves rise 30 more minutes.

6. Bake for 25 – 30 minutes.

So I followed the instructions, step by step.... OOoo baby! But I ran into a snag while rolling the dough. Did I mention rolling pins & I do not get along? Yeah we hate each other. I suck at rolling dough, pie crusts or pizza dough. So I pathetically roll out these loaves and transfer to a greased cookie sheet. When I go to lift the first one it droops a bit making it even longer then it already was. It's too long to fit on the cookie sheet straight so I tuck the extra underneath & pop it in the oven. This is also where I made mistake #2 because I forgot the egg whites on top. Opps! I check on the bread in the oven & it's starting to take an odd shape, similar to a penis. 30 minutes later I have a huge loaf of French bread that looks like a giant penis. What a perfect side for any meal!

You live, you learn, you make penis bread.