My dreams are dead.

I realized last night while laying in bed, talking to my husband about another possible move, that I've put my entire life on hold for the past 4 years. I don't know if I've just repressed the feelings of failure but they all came flooding back like a tidal wave. I've put all my hopes and dreams on hold so my husband can fully pursue his. I'm thankful he is such a hard worker and he has great aspirations but why does everything I want to do in life have to take a backseat? Yes, I have two beautiful little girls that keep my life full but I want to be something more then just a housewife one day. When the kids are in school it would be nice to pick up where I left off and have a job that I love. Paul asked if I was sick of being a stay at home mom? No. I love what I do right now and I wouldn't want anyone else raising my children but this isn't all I am. Is it selfish for me to want something more for myself? Does that make me a bad mom? I watch these weightloss shows and there is always a mom contestant I really connect with, not because I'm a fatty, but because she always says the magic words... "I've always put everyone ahead of myself." It's our job as mothers to take a backseat and care for everyone else around us. But when does that get to be too much? When does it hinder our own lives to the point of being the next contestant on the Biggest Loser or turning to another vice for comfort? I'm not saying it's gotten to that point yet but maybe I should start doing things for myself so that it never gets anywhere near that point.
I'm sick of people thinking I'm stupid. That might be all in my head but since I didn't finish school I always feel like I did something wrong. I wasted 3 years at 2 good universities to be a stay at home mom? No it's not a waste. I learned a lot educationally and about myself. I've changed so much. I just hope one day I can pursue the same dreams I once wanted to fulfill without feeling extremely guilty for wanting something for myself.

Want Ad

Married, white, female seeking friends in the Delaware area. Preferably females but would consider gay males. Must understand I have children to take care of on a daily basis. Likes include: music, tattoos, Sasquatch & wine. Dislikes include: white trash, excessive swearing, mullets & adult braces.

Maybe I should put this ad in the local paper. Or even better on Craigslist. Yeah... not so much. One day I hope to have friends where I live. So far it's not happening. I don't really miss living in Dearborn besides 3 things; family, friends & Arabic food. Those are very big things missing from my life. I'm lonely and have no options for good hummus for miles. I do well most of the times because I try to stay focused on my family but it would be nice to have a friend some days. Being this secluded turns me into a hermit. If I'm content living like this then that is sad. I should want more. I should want friends. And I do but I want my friends. People that already understand me. It seems so hard to start from scratch with someone new. Where am I supposed to find this "someone new" anyway? Walmart? I don't think so. My Walmart is filled with the most stereotypical white trash I've ever seen; mullets galore, 300lb women wearing spandex and knock off Ugg boats, people smacking their kids around while screaming "What the fuck are you looking at?" Ummm we're looking at the reason why people like you should be sterilized. I could go on and on. Am I supposed to become more like the locals? I'd rather be friendless. I guess for now I just have to rely on Paul being my only friend and having daily conversations with a 3 year old.

Edited to Add: I only shop at Walmart because it's the closest grocery store to me. I hate Walmart!

Being a parent sucks!

And I mean that in the nicest way possible. Don't get me wrong, I adore my girls. They are the two best things that has happened in my life thus far. Jordyn is my little life saver and Adalyn is my sweet angel baby. But the pressure of raising them can really get to me at times. I know I shouldn't over think life but it's hard when you have 2 precious little people to mold and then continue to help shape throughout their lives. I constantly think about the things I've done wrong. Has it affected them already? Of course I focus more on these doubts when it comes to Jordyn since Adalyn is just a baby and all it takes to make her happy is food, snuggles & a clean diaper. She's easy. Jordyn on the other hand is at a difficult age.... who am I kidding, she is difficult in general. I see so much of myself in her and that is scary. I can easily admit I was an insane child/preteen/teen. I feel bad for my mom now that I'm older, wiser and medicated (not saying medication is the answer since I didn't develop anxiety issues till I had Jordyn). I was just so hard to deal with. And I see that side of me shining through in Jordyn as well. She is her own person and I know there are some things I just can't change. But I wonder if there is anything I can do to make the next 15 years easier for both of us. I get teary eyed just thinking that one day she's gonna say "I hate you mom" or "I don't need you". And even though I will try my best to prevent those moments from happening, I just have to suck it up and take it.
Sometimes at night I sit awake thinking about all I've already done wrong. I know I can't change the past but I can change the future. So much pressure. I understand why weak people can easily become shitty parents. This isn't a joke. I never knew it would be this hard and I'm sure no one does until they have a child. That's a good campaign for birth control "Are you ready to hold a person's life in your hands from the time of conception? Cause the choices you make can easily fuck them up for the rest of their lives!" Just think about it.
I want to make my girls lives the best they can be. I know that's a lot of pressure and I'm gonna screw up a long the way but I'm determined to do things the right way, not always the easy way, but the right way according to Paul & I. It's worth it for our kids and any other kids to be.

In West Philadelphia...

Scratch that, more like South Philadelphia and no I wasn't born or raised there, I just like Fresh Prince of Bel Air. I love Philly... so far. I haven't gotten to explore as much as I would like to since I just had a baby but I hope that changes this Spring. It would be great to live there if it wasn't an hour away from Paul's work & if we didn't have kids. It's weird being able to wander a city and see thriving small businesses, tattoo parlors & even the elderly. You don't get that in Detroit. All you get in Detroit is a small area of very large attractions and the hood aka lock your doors & run red lights. I love Detroit but not in the same way I love other big cities. I have fond memories of going downtown to baseball games at Tiger Stadium, fairs at Hart Plaza & concerts at the State theater. I also have stories of prostitutes getting picked up on motorized wheel chairs & memories of being harassed by a one legged woman on my 18th birthday. It's what I know best. So when we are able to comfortably explore a major city we take advantage of that.


If you are ever in South Philly I highly recommend trying Famous 4th Street Deli and don't forget to share because the portion size is out of control!

Pictures taken by my wonderful sister Lyndsey Sebok.

Introduction

Hello! This is my 2nd attempt at a blog and I hope it goes well. My name is Kara. I'm 24 years old. I'm a wife, a stay at home mother & a gypsy, hence the name of my blog. No, not the kind of gypsy that is braless (at least not all of the time), feeding her 2 month old baby mashed potatoes in a restaurant high chair (only my good friend Emily will get that reference). I'm a gypsy, a vagabond, a mover & a shaker. Since April 2009 my family has moved from Detroit, our hometown, to Chaska, Minnesota then to Pearland, Texas then to North East, Maryland. I'm sick of moving. No we aren't in the military. My husband works as a chemical engineer for a large company. He is enrolled in a program that is clearly designed for graduates that are single. The program has him test out different jobs for 6 months at a time for 2 years. We're on our last rotation! YAY! We will be moving one more time in February but only to our neighbor state Delaware which is 15 minutes away. Now I'll introduce my family.

Paul aka Husband aka Bear

Jordyn aka Our spirited child aka Jaybird


Adalyn aka Our sweet baby aka Pumpkin bear

And me.... well you will probably hear more about me later on since I am the one writing this thing. My picture is in my profile so no need to add another, don't want to scare away my readers. That's all for now.