I realized last night while laying in bed, talking to my husband about another possible move, that I've put my entire life on hold for the past 4 years. I don't know if I've just repressed the feelings of failure but they all came flooding back like a tidal wave. I've put all my hopes and dreams on hold so my husband can fully pursue his. I'm thankful he is such a hard worker and he has great aspirations but why does everything I want to do in life have to take a backseat? Yes, I have two beautiful little girls that keep my life full but I want to be something more then just a housewife one day. When the kids are in school it would be nice to pick up where I left off and have a job that I love. Paul asked if I was sick of being a stay at home mom? No. I love what I do right now and I wouldn't want anyone else raising my children but this isn't all I am. Is it selfish for me to want something more for myself? Does that make me a bad mom? I watch these weightloss shows and there is always a mom contestant I really connect with, not because I'm a fatty, but because she always says the magic words... "I've always put everyone ahead of myself." It's our job as mothers to take a backseat and care for everyone else around us. But when does that get to be too much? When does it hinder our own lives to the point of being the next contestant on the Biggest Loser or turning to another vice for comfort? I'm not saying it's gotten to that point yet but maybe I should start doing things for myself so that it never gets anywhere near that point.
I'm sick of people thinking I'm stupid. That might be all in my head but since I didn't finish school I always feel like I did something wrong. I wasted 3 years at 2 good universities to be a stay at home mom? No it's not a waste. I learned a lot educationally and about myself. I've changed so much. I just hope one day I can pursue the same dreams I once wanted to fulfill without feeling extremely guilty for wanting something for myself.
To be honest, Kara, I have no idea what you do beyond being a mom, because that's the only capacity I've ever known you as. What are you educated in? What had you planned to do for a job? What would you do now, if you had absolutely NO restrictions with hubby & kids? What do you think would fit what you have now?
ReplyDeleteI think it's pretty noble of you to say, "your dreams for now, not mine", and I hope he appreciates it. Certainly your kids will in time (although they do now, insomuch as they're happy). My wife kinda did that by dumping her entire friends/family and jumping the ocean to here and I'm insanely grateful, but it's also hard for me to rectify without doing the same for her in extreme. Hopefully you can find something to identify yourself AS yourself as well as everything else you are.
I went to Michigan State for two years and studied Interior Design which is what I love to do and am good at but I figured it wasn't an ideal "money-making" career. I know you should do what makes you happy but I'm also realistic. If I could go back to school I would probably go for Nursing but I need to be in a place for more then 6 months and have my head on straight before even trying to venture into that field.
ReplyDeleteI know Paul appreciates what I have done for him just sometimes I feel with our extended family (mostly his) that I'm the "dumb" one because I don't have a degree like he does. Ya know Kara, the dumb housewife who didn't do anything with her life but produce offspring. I'd like to be more not just for my kids but for my sanity and pride but right now it's just not attainable.